Run!

So , there was this guy that I met at a bar while I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday. I’d have to say he was the highlight of my night. Not exactly my type ,but he made me laugh so effortlessly. I mean , I was a little drunk, but my amusement was sincere. It had been a while since a man a had enough charm to impress me, but he did. Now this can be impartially due to the fact that I am on a very strict love life schedule and I practically have everything spelled out from the moment we start courtship to the moment of conception of our children. Twin girls. Has to be twins.Has to be girls. The only thing that had been missing was a man. And, I decided he about solved that problem. And THAT is my problem. So from that moment on everything he did or said was being held under a microscope so I could cross-examine and analyze it a little further. Adding in my own two-cents when I felt less than convinced of his true intentions which I already knew. Or at least that’s what I told myself. Not having sex in 22 years could make a girl a little tense, you know? ( Just go ahead and dismiss the fact that I’ve never had it) I just have this idea of the man I want to spend the rest of my life with & for the moment he fit that description. Of course I had to tailor some of his personality to fit, but I made it happen. But after a week of what I’d call pointless small talk , he just stopped responding. And all I could think was , whelp, there goes my husband. Are you laughing at me yet ? Hell, I am!

I have no clue when I became THAT girl. Looking for a husband instead of a friend. Jumping the broom before exchanging middle names. I want to be married, I want to have children. I want LOVE. But I know it won’t come with me out here pounding down doors for it. And I never use to be like this. I guess my fear is clouding my judgement. I’m afraid that I’ll always be what I am right now, alone.

For his privacy I won’t say his name, but I’d like to say sorry. Sorry for caring more about how much of a potential husband and father you could be than enjoying the friend you had the potential to become. Sorry for casting my bias notions of love upon you & feeling disappointed when you didn’t compare to them. Sorry for running you away (or if you walked , that’s fine too) .Sorry for being so caught up on what could be that I neglected to live in what was. You didn’t deserve that, or maybe you did, but I would have never gotten to know that. You never got the chance to know me, but if you ever do , you’ll see I am not as crazy as this post might make me seem. I’m just a little more passionate about things. But I’m trying to change.

So guys, you don’t have to run. Maybe just a slow jog.

-Nataja