“The Cycle”

The moment when one of your biggest fears becomes a reality . Here’s the story of mine .

I visited my dad’s house a few weeks ago , which does not happen often. I can count on my hands how many times I have been there in the last few years. It’s sad , but it’s true. I have my reasons. But lately my heart has been healing and opening . Forgiveness has never been easy for me , but now atleast I’m trying. Okay so I go over to my dads and my two nieces happen to be sleeping over on that particular day. Sadly, I haven’t seen them in months and when I do I hardly know what to say. They’re kids , but I’m sure they feel the uneasiness. I feel like a stranger to them .No , I am a stranger to them. I have faced the fact that they have no clue who I am. And my oldest niece proved that to me in the most heartbreaking way. When asked if she knew who I was she replied “no.” And when she said It I know she wasn’t just being coy, she looked me right in my face and didn’t know who I was . And when I asked her how she thought me and my younger sister were related she smiled and said “friends.” Now that hurt for two reasons. It couldn’t be farther from the truth ,at least at this point in our lives (I think we are trying though) and that not only did I not look like my family , to her I’m not even apart of it. I’m just , “day-day’s friend.” Who knew a 3 year old’s words could cut so deep. This a little girl who completely changed my outlook on kids . Who I fell in love with at first site . Would spend countless nights on her mothers couch just so I could bond with her . The main reason I know the entire Mickey Mouse Clubhouse opening song. And I never told anyone why I felt our connection had to be so strong . Well until now. I was so determined that this generation wouldn’t see half or step or color differences because even though we claimed not to . . . We did. We all did. This little girl was finally going to make me feel like I belonged because she wouldn’t see me as anything other than her auntie ; she would be raised with me around. And now three years later , I looked into the eyes of the most beautiful and innocent little girl that I knew and you know what I saw , the cycle repeating. I saw my childhood all over again and while I played it off at the time all I wanted to do was cry . Now I could blame my stepsister or stepmother or whomever else was involved with how things are the way they are , but I won’t . And I don’t. I blame myself. I blame my ego , I blame my pride . Because I failed her . I know what it’s like to live in a blended family , you know the flip-side of the Brady brunch facade that there is no favoritism or deficit of love . And I just didn’t want her to have to . So I’m sorry Taylor. And Morgan. Really I am.

Signed
“Day-Day’s Friend”

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