“I’ll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future.”
I’m not big on family and I never really have been. If you know me , you already know that. Feeling like you don’t belong and are a burden or unwanted , I guess it takes a toll on you. Sure I had plenty of people who claimed to love me and some who even showed it , but mostly , I think they pitied me. And I’ll never confuse that for love. But, I can’t say I didn’t long to feel apart of something. There were moments when I thought I had a home, but if home is where your heart is, I haven’t found mine yet. There’s just this overwhelming theme of abandonment in my life and everyone wants me to just get over it.Either that or they pretend it doesn’t exist. But it does and I’m sure one day I will. But that day ain’t today. I’ve been thinking alot lately about starting my own family and hopefully I can lay these demons aside before that happens. But there’s one thing I know for a fact;my kids will never know what its like to feel unwanted , unloved or abandoned. They will never ever feel like they don’t belong, They won’t know half or step or any of that other bullshit that seems to separate families. They will know unconditional , unwavering love. That nothing they could EVER do would make me stop loving them or being a mother to them. They will never have to choose sides. They will look through photo albums and see their faces ,have their graduation photos hung in the living-room. They will go to their grandparents house and be spoiled and loved. They will all share the same last name. They will look like each other. Their daddy’s eye and they momma’s smile . My girls will steal each others clothes, have each others back, get advice from their older sisters. They will know love , they will know family. And it won’t be perfect , but it’ll be mine. And only those who I know love me without a shadow of a doubt will be in the lives of my daughters. They will never know faulty love, at-least not from anyone I introduce into their lives. They will have what I didn’t . Because no little girl deserves to grow up feeling ugly, unwanted and yes sometimes, unloved. I’m not that little girl anymore, but she is me and we will never forget that. Which is why my girls will never know it; The loss of a someone they love deeply ,not by death, but by choice. Because I promise you, it hurts more.