The Girl Without A Home

There’s been a post that I have been working myself up to posting. Never finding the right time to do so. Always convincing myself that it didn’t need to be said, Or if it was that it’d be held against me in some way. But I gotta say it. That’s why I start writing again, particularly this blog.[Just Talk, Ill Listen] So if ever there was a time where I needed you guys to listen to me , it’d be now.

I lost my best-friend , my heart, someone who I thought knew me better than I knew myself. She was like my diary, I don’t think there was anything that she didn’t know. And as I write this I can’t stop crying, and that’s not something I do often. I don’t think I’ve admitted this out loud before, for fear of sounding weak, but I miss her so much. Next to my mom , my sister was the only person I think who accepted me as I was and loved me as is. She was my other half. Someone I would trust with my life. Sadly, I honestly think a physical death would be less heartbreaking at this point, because that’s not a choice. This was a choice, a deliberate decision to chose someone over me. I never asked her to. She never had to. But she did. And that’s what broke me. It broke my heart. Looking back , with new eyes, I guess I can see the position she was in, but I hardly think anyone knew how hard it was to lose her in my life, including her. I get why she thought she had to do what she did, but fact is, she didn’t. The way it went down hurt me. I think what hurt the most was how easy they made it seem to live without me. How everything kept going, unhindered by my absence. While my life shutdown. I shutdown. I don’t think there was a night I didn’t cry myself to sleep, And I’ve kept most of this to myself until now because honestly my ability to trust left the moment she did. But it’s been eating me from the inside out so I needed to get it out. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and I can honestly say none have taken such a toll on me. I mean now we speak here and there , but its not the same. I’m not the same, she’s not the same. We’re not the same. The girl who use to be the first person I’d tell a secret to is now the last , if at all.  Someone who use to be my future maid of honor , might not even be invited to the wedding. Some could say I’m overreacting , playing the victim but you don’t know my story. Growing up in a family where you already feel like you don’t belong , having the ONLY person who ever made you feel like you did, cut you out of there life, it proved to me that I never did. That I never will. And that’s something I have to live with. I hate that we’ve gotten to this point , I hate that my heart is now closed when it comes to her. But luckily she has another sister , someone who can be what I am not, what I couldn’t be for her.I am not so lucky. My sister meant the world to me, more than I could probably ever explain. I wish things could be different. I wish they were . But they’re not. And this was my miserable attempt to accept that. Because it’s never real for me until it’s written down somewhere. I’ve always cherished our bond. The love you get from a sister is something that can’t be replaced . I could search my entire life and I’ll never find someone quite like her. If she’s reading this, I hope she takes away this: That I loved her & I still do. She’s family .But that doesn’t mean much of anything to me anymore. And that doesn’t change the fact that she broke me. I know she didn’t mean to , but she did. And while I forgive her, my heart is closed. I’m so sorry day. But that kind of hurt , should only be experienced once. I pray she never knows it. I pray that she can forgive me. And that one day, the love will overcome the hurt and “Sister” is something I can call her again. That one day that this heart of mine will work again. I once told her in a letter I wrote her that she was my saving grace, that I was lost, but she was my way home. Let’s hope I was right.

-Taj

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Girl Without A Home

  1. I used to believe that my greatest fear was losing people I loved by death. But I have since learned that death is the easier way to lose people. Because the other way is losing people by choice..usually theirs. They choose to walk out of your life and don’t seem to have lost anything..they just move on. While you sit there not knowing who you are without them. I have tried to tell myself it’s their loss not mine..and somedays it helps..other days not so much. I hope you are able to open your heart again to the possibility of such a person in your life…one who completes you. Because while losing that breaks your heart, having it might be worth the risk. Broken hearts can heal. I hope yours does.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s